Don't Take Anything Personally

When conditions are right, things will manifest, when conditions are not right, they won't. This is a beautiful Buddhist idea that I need to remember. I'm the type of person that takes things too personally, be it rejection or praise. My ego is forever trying to twist everything in my life to feed itself.

When something doesn't work out, even if I really don't care about it, my pride and self esteem are bruised, self pity and resentment rear their ugly heads and my mind races with thoughts and feelings that seem beyond my control. Everything should go my way, everyone should like me, everyone should be at my beck and call, work on my time table, and do what I think is best for them, I mean obviously!! But, if I'm honest and if I look at situations with new eyes and see them for what they really are, then all of this ego driven crap is nothing but bullshit conjured up by my mind to make myself feel needed, wanted and valid. And no one can do that for me. For me to feel like a valid human being, all I need is faith in myself and faith in something bigger than little old me, faith that where I am is exactly where I should be. And intellectually I know that's true, but to feel it in my heart and my gut is a little trickier. Practice is needed. And I do practice, everyday, letting go of things that I feel should affect me, letting go of my expectations of others, accepting things as they are at this very moment. Practice and progress not perfection is the order of the day.

As for praise, well...it sometimes feels like poison to me. One nice word or a compliment sets off this opposing mindset in which I am the best and brightest thing under the stars. Which, as we all know, is simply not true, in fact so very far from the truth that...well I can't even think of how to describe how off the mark that is. Classic alcoholic thinking! When I was using I thrived off compliments, having no self esteem or respect I needed anything to make me feel better about myself. And of course in the circles I ran in, compliments came in the form of propositions, of which I greedily accepted. My self worth was based in some one's desire to fuck me. Fuck me, not love me, not respect me, not even like me, but just to use me as I used them. Mutual ego stroking with nothing to show for it but morning after shame and fear. But I'm not using anymore and now begins the difficult task of learning how to take praise for what it is. One persons observation at any given moment, or one persons search for reciprocal ego boosting. Compliments say more about the other person than they do about me. It is a glimpse of what the giver thinks is important (looks, clothes, brains, humour) and their personal likes and dislikes. Really I don't factor into it much at all! I am just me, as the Gods made me and allow me to be, nothing more, nothing less. If someone likes it, or dislikes it, that's up to them.

Other people will reflect their aesthetics, their bitterness, their fears onto me and I must recognize them for what they are. Be it a compliment or a rejection or an angry word, I cannot take it personally. Rejection is just the Gods telling me that something is not right for me at this time, genuine praise is the Gods telling me that they are.


J.