Right Speech II

"Love and tolerance of others is our code" is a favourite quote of mine. It's from the book Alcoholic Anonymous, aka "The Big Book" by Bill W, but I feel that it's a message that anyone can learn from and strive for. So often our words, especially our humour, can be hurtful without our being aware that harm has been done. Tonight I am struggling with some "righteous anger" over remarks made, in a large group, that hurt a friend of mine. What the comment was really doesn't matter, what matters is what I do with the reaction they have brought out in me. Now, I could get angry, fight back, use my well honed sarcasm and down right bitchiness but as much as I would feel good in the moment, afterward I know that I would regret it. I would feel that I had stooped to their level and possible embarrassed my friend further in the process. I would then have to deal with my own guilt and that is not something I can afford, having a rather deep seated guilt complex already in place!

Love and tolerance of others is a two way street. I cannot sit back and demand that the world is accepting of my faults and mis-steps if I am not willing to return that same courtesy. So how to proceed? I can take the energy that I would have expended getting revenge and use it instead to support my friend. I can take a step back form the situation to evaluate what is at the root of my anger ( Is this something I secretly think too, but don't want to admit? Am I feeling insecure about who I am and how the comment affects my ego?). I can think about why that particular person made that particular statement; are they hurting, are they scared, are they trying to impress the rest of the group? When I take a second to consider the possible motives and feelings of the person making the hurtful joke, my anger looses some of it's edge. Perhaps they are scared, hurt, having a bad day, or feeling " on the spot".

Of course, considering these things doesn't mean that I support them, or excuse them, it simply puts me in a better frame of mind to deal with the situation. Gives me a chance to discern the best way to proceed. Perhaps I should say something right then, perhaps a private word later, maybe lead by example and avoid making potentially offense jokes myself (something I tend to do on occasion), or simply turn my attention and love toward my injured friend. My "bouncer ego" as I like to call it, wants to attack, wants to protect the injured and the underdog, but in reality I am not always, if fact rarely, responsible for doing that. If I spend my time and energy constantly protecting those I think are vulnerable, am I not, in a covert way, disrespecting them too. Do I not run the risk of incurring their resentment, or contributing to their vulnerability by not allowing them to stand up for themselves? Ahhh, the never ending ifs, ands or buts!!

I'm not sure where I'm going with this tonight, and so I'll end here. Love and tolerance is an ideal that I am trying to live up to, luckily I will allow myself to strive toward progress and not demand perfection.


J.

Hamilton Writer's fun and games!

Words chosen randomly: Dive, springtime face, comfortable, and "look what I can do!"

Result:

"Look what I can do!" the chick at the end of the bar slurred excitedly, popping a cherry stem into her mouth. I settled further into my comfortable booth at the back of the dive. My favourite spot for watching the drunks at play. "It's better than television", I tell people. The girl's face twists and contorts unnoticed by her boyfriend whose eyes are glued to the game on the big screen TV. The springtime sun blares into the dim and smoky room as the heavy door swings open and a man with the face of a boxer who's taken too many hits swaggers in. His nose at an awkward angle and his left eye drooping beneath a heavy lid, his ill-fitting suit looks like it came out of a dumpster but he holds his head high like a man who doesn't realize he's fallen on hard times.


J.

Talkin' with Christians

The Vietnamese monk Thich Nhat Hahn is an energetic supporter of inter-faith dialogue and has written articles and books about what Christians and Buddhists can learn from each other, it is because of his openness to the sharing of ideas that I have just returned from a discussion group arranged by a local Anglican church. If you had told me a year ago that I would be sitting in a coffee house with a Professor of Evangelism and a Priest, chatting and eating brownies, well, forget about it! But the truth is I actually had a wonderful time, even through my extreme case of jitters. The topic of discussion, culled from questions the church received from the public at large, was meant to be "Why is God such a jerk?". But since there were only four of us (myself, the Professor, the Priest and an extremely well-travelled gentleman of Muslim heritage thinking of converting) talk ranged from the firm belief in Jesus as a saviour of mankind, Judgement Day, parables about belief in the unseen, St Francis of Assisi and just why is that repulsive image of Jesus all bloody and broken representative of faith. Needless to say that last one was mine. While, as is typical of spiritual discussion, there were no firm answers to be had but just having the chance to ask the questions and listen to others share there experience was more than enough. I walked home with a new respect for the followers of Christ.

Having only seen (or only allowed myself to see) the fanaticism of Christianity and having painted all Christians with the same colour of "close minded, prejudice, busy-body, Christ on a Cross red", my ideas seemed firmly set. I didn't like them and couldn't comprehend what the attraction was, other than a sense of superiority and the right to tell others what to do and how to live. Not qualities that I have ever, or will ever find appealing. But these gentlemen had some qualities that I could admire: intelligence, patience, open-mindedness and faith in something bigger than themselves. Granted we didn't talk about gays or abortion, so I won't put my rose coloured glasses on too soon, but they definitely broke the stereotype I had of what it means to be a Christian. And when the professor mentioned how un-religious Jesus was, that he spoke against the organized religions and churches, well that was enough to open my mind to a glimmer of respect and interest in the big JC. I have no problem thinking of Jesus as a spiritual teacher, an example of goodness, enlightenment, service and humility just as the Buddha was, but the idea of him being the only son of God...that's where it all falls apart for me. Approaching him as a Buddha makes it easier for me to take a closer look at the life and teachings of Jesus, though I will always prefer the "Buddy Christ" to the Crucifix.


J.

Right Speech.

I heard someone gossiping this evening and it hurt, deeply. It wasn't about me, or anyone I know, but the anger and judgment that was being expressed hit me like a punch to the gut. In Buddhism there are five precept, like the Christian ten commandments, rules to live by in order to lead an ethical and peaceful life. Refrain from killing, refrain from stealing, refrain from sexual misconduct, refrain from false, harsh and idle speech and refrain from intoxicants that cloud the mind. Seems pretty basic but I learned a valuable lesson this evening on the effect words can have on those who hear them.

I am guilty of having a very foul mouth, swearing just comes naturally, and I've always felt that I had every right to swear if I wanted to. If you don't like it, don't talk to me. Many times I've made my family cringe with the expressions I use for pain, frustration, and even excitement. " Fuck" is my favourite word and I use it liberally and often as well as a few other choice nouns that I won't elaborate on here. I have never placed myself in the listener shoes, never considered that my language could be alienating or just down right offensive to anyone within earshot. Tonight I finally heard with "new ears" that words have power. Something I already knew in theory, and of course people's words have hurt me before, but perhaps because it is easier to care about someone else than for myself, tonight I really felt and reacted to what I was hearing.

Over the last ten months I have gone through some amazing and sometimes scary changes. Leaving behind my old ideas and gaining new ones, learning to think outside of my own little life and to place my faith in something bigger than myself. Perhaps the next item on my personal housecleaning should be to watch what I say. To say what I mean, mean what I say and speak in a voice that carries a message of honesty, inclusion and kindness instead of anger and exclusion. That is the reason we swear, exaggerate, and gossip, isn't it? To make ourselves feel superior, to shock, to rebel against social norms and values, to let others know that we are so cool that we don't give a damn what you think. Fine for a teenager, but at my age, a little sad. If I am put on this Earth to be of service, to be compassionate and loving to all sentient beings, and to live mindfully, than on a most basic level it stands to reason that my speech, the tool I have been given in which to relate to the world around me, needs to be in line with those aims.

Of course I'm going to need a thesaurus, because I just don't know another word that can mean so many things and be used in so many ways.

Ah fudge!
J.