First things first

Well, I finally made it into that room tonight. I went out for a walk, half intending to stop in at the bar (I left my glasses there on Tuesday night, so I had an excuse!) and instead ended up walking past a AA meeting just about to start! The Gods work in mysterious ways.

Tuesday night was a new all time low in my drinking career. I won't get into details here, but lets just say that it has taken me three days to get over it, well get past it, I'm not "over it". It's haunting me, how low a person can sink in the span of eight hours. So to be in that meeting today, meant something to me. I connected to it on a different level than I ever have before. The people were great, and welcoming, and honest and I appreciated their stories, and their willingness to listen to me. Just listen, not judge, not try to fix, not give advice, just listen and nod in a way that says "I know exactly what you mean...".

There were a few phrases that stuck out for me today: "First things first", "bring the body and eventually the mind will follow", and the most simple, and yet the hardest to achieve "Take it easy." This is how I need to navigate my life, my priority needs to be me, my health and sanity. I cannot try to fit into others ideas of who I should be and how I should behave. Not my partner's, not my parents. My priority MUST be my sobriety, above all else. To hell with anyone who thinks that selfish, they obviously don't understand, and I cannot help that, it's not my responsibility, to make everyone else happy and at ease. My responsibility is to myself, to live my life honestly and safely. Nothing can stand in the way of that. It's so hard to think such things, having been raised to please others and submit to "keeping peace in the family". Never talk back, do as you're told and never, never offend anyone. Well, that hasn't really gotten me anywhere, has it?? So, hopefully this time I can make it stick, I can find my own way, and find a group of "family" that accept me for who I am, faults and weaknesses and all. There are friendships that are blooming in my life that I have never experienced before. Safe and caring. As someone who always moved through life alone, it feels like I true blessing to have someone there for me, now, when I need it the most. The Gods do work in wonderful ways, if you just let them.

Buddha, grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The Courage to change the things I can
and the Wisdom to know the difference.

One Day at a Time

Last night I made a bad decision. I was left here, alone, at my parents house, sitting and thinking and worrying and feeling hurt and pathetic. And in an effort to ease the pain I turned to my old habits and walked down the street to my old hangout where I promptly finished three beers and six gin and tonics. It felt so good to be back there, talking to strangers, feeling less alone, like I fit in somewhere, like there were people who liked me. I was even propositioned by a lovely English guy who wanted me to come with him and a friend to another bar that just so happened to be conveniently located across the road from his hotel room. There is something about a reasonably attractive stranger whispering in your ear how much he would like to please you that can make a girl feel pretty damn good in a twisted kind of way. Now years ago I would have been sneaking out of that hotel room at four in the morning, trying not to wake the mistake who lay sleeping. I would have walked home on a high that combined a sickening sense of guilt and euphoria at the conquest and boost to my ego that comes with the one night stand. But, tempting as it may have seemed, I thanked him sincerely and headed home by myself. I don't want anyone touching me, except my partner. I cannot substitute anyone for him.

Anyway, the damage was done. I was officially drunk and sick from the booze. I spent the night trying to sleep but inside I was disgusted with myself for being weak, for not having really learned anything from my time away from the bottle. But really, if you don't do the work, relapse is always going to be waiting right around the corner, waiting for the slightest justification or excuse to pick up that first drink. But today is a new day, and a new chance not to drink. I know what I have to do, put my own sobriety above everything else. Sobriety must be my number one priority if I am ever to live a sane and healthy life. I realize that I have been stuck in a three year rut, hiding away from myself and the world in order to avoid temptation. No one can live honestly like that. It is a half life, a life lived in fear. I must be brave, face my demons and my truths. Only then will I see the world as it really is and not as something to hide from. Any goals I think I have can never be fulfilled like this, to fulfill a goal one needs clear vision and clear thinking, two things I am currently lacking.

I should go to a meeting, I should be honest and admit that I cannot do this alone. Whatever issues I may have with "joining" and "programs" and "God, as we understand him", well they are actually just my addiction's way of controlling the situation, of raising doubts that will keep me from recovery. "Keep coming back!" they say, and once again I must go back. There is no shame in it, eventually it's going to stick.