What to do, what to do?

I'm very nervous the last few days, and I'm not sure why. I feel like something is going to happen, something bad, or maybe I'm just becoming acutely aware that nothing is going to happen, that each day is just like the last. My days seem to pass me by without my noticing. Wasted time, time not even worth noticing, one useless day after another.

I am at a cross road, a crux, that I don't seem able to navigate. I'm stuck in a rut, as they say. What to do, what to do? So many choices and yet each one has limitations imposed on them by my fragile, high maintenance body. Skills, passions, dreams all seem stilted by my inability to travel, bend over without wincing, or carry anything heavier than a tea cup. Some old passions are resurfacing, and it's wonderful, but bitter sweet.

What am I good at......? I am good at listening, people open up to me, seem to feel comfortable with me without even getting to know me better, people tell me their stories. I am good at serving people, I actually like to make others happy, ease their burdens, fulfill their needs. I am humble but also have a solid sense of who I am and what I'm worth. I am patient, can wait for ever, put up with others moods and fancies and eventually break through to a state of accord. A natural born peace-keeper. I have a good eye for colour, style, quality, harmony and symmetry. I am somewhat literate myself, but have an ear for the language of others and know how to communicate what they want and take pleasure in being able to help them achieve it. I have good, maybe even excellent manners, (by today's standards) and enjoy the rigours of etiquette and "lady-like" behaviour. Sooo....what do these skills prepare me for? Well, in another age, and another economic bracket, maybe I could host a Salon, be a lady's maid, a companion, a courtesan? (Of course that would require another body and face too, but hey, this is all hypothetical!)

What to do, what to do? "Get off your ass" seems to be the refrain I keep hearing from those around me. "You're so smart, so talented, why don't you do something?" They never have concrete suggestions, just gentle reminders, nudges in no direction. No direction, that sums it up perfectly.


J.