First things first

Well, I finally made it into that room tonight. I went out for a walk, half intending to stop in at the bar (I left my glasses there on Tuesday night, so I had an excuse!) and instead ended up walking past a AA meeting just about to start! The Gods work in mysterious ways.

Tuesday night was a new all time low in my drinking career. I won't get into details here, but lets just say that it has taken me three days to get over it, well get past it, I'm not "over it". It's haunting me, how low a person can sink in the span of eight hours. So to be in that meeting today, meant something to me. I connected to it on a different level than I ever have before. The people were great, and welcoming, and honest and I appreciated their stories, and their willingness to listen to me. Just listen, not judge, not try to fix, not give advice, just listen and nod in a way that says "I know exactly what you mean...".

There were a few phrases that stuck out for me today: "First things first", "bring the body and eventually the mind will follow", and the most simple, and yet the hardest to achieve "Take it easy." This is how I need to navigate my life, my priority needs to be me, my health and sanity. I cannot try to fit into others ideas of who I should be and how I should behave. Not my partner's, not my parents. My priority MUST be my sobriety, above all else. To hell with anyone who thinks that selfish, they obviously don't understand, and I cannot help that, it's not my responsibility, to make everyone else happy and at ease. My responsibility is to myself, to live my life honestly and safely. Nothing can stand in the way of that. It's so hard to think such things, having been raised to please others and submit to "keeping peace in the family". Never talk back, do as you're told and never, never offend anyone. Well, that hasn't really gotten me anywhere, has it?? So, hopefully this time I can make it stick, I can find my own way, and find a group of "family" that accept me for who I am, faults and weaknesses and all. There are friendships that are blooming in my life that I have never experienced before. Safe and caring. As someone who always moved through life alone, it feels like I true blessing to have someone there for me, now, when I need it the most. The Gods do work in wonderful ways, if you just let them.

Buddha, grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The Courage to change the things I can
and the Wisdom to know the difference.

One Day at a Time

Last night I made a bad decision. I was left here, alone, at my parents house, sitting and thinking and worrying and feeling hurt and pathetic. And in an effort to ease the pain I turned to my old habits and walked down the street to my old hangout where I promptly finished three beers and six gin and tonics. It felt so good to be back there, talking to strangers, feeling less alone, like I fit in somewhere, like there were people who liked me. I was even propositioned by a lovely English guy who wanted me to come with him and a friend to another bar that just so happened to be conveniently located across the road from his hotel room. There is something about a reasonably attractive stranger whispering in your ear how much he would like to please you that can make a girl feel pretty damn good in a twisted kind of way. Now years ago I would have been sneaking out of that hotel room at four in the morning, trying not to wake the mistake who lay sleeping. I would have walked home on a high that combined a sickening sense of guilt and euphoria at the conquest and boost to my ego that comes with the one night stand. But, tempting as it may have seemed, I thanked him sincerely and headed home by myself. I don't want anyone touching me, except my partner. I cannot substitute anyone for him.

Anyway, the damage was done. I was officially drunk and sick from the booze. I spent the night trying to sleep but inside I was disgusted with myself for being weak, for not having really learned anything from my time away from the bottle. But really, if you don't do the work, relapse is always going to be waiting right around the corner, waiting for the slightest justification or excuse to pick up that first drink. But today is a new day, and a new chance not to drink. I know what I have to do, put my own sobriety above everything else. Sobriety must be my number one priority if I am ever to live a sane and healthy life. I realize that I have been stuck in a three year rut, hiding away from myself and the world in order to avoid temptation. No one can live honestly like that. It is a half life, a life lived in fear. I must be brave, face my demons and my truths. Only then will I see the world as it really is and not as something to hide from. Any goals I think I have can never be fulfilled like this, to fulfill a goal one needs clear vision and clear thinking, two things I am currently lacking.

I should go to a meeting, I should be honest and admit that I cannot do this alone. Whatever issues I may have with "joining" and "programs" and "God, as we understand him", well they are actually just my addiction's way of controlling the situation, of raising doubts that will keep me from recovery. "Keep coming back!" they say, and once again I must go back. There is no shame in it, eventually it's going to stick.

Another Blurb about a Breakup

Okay, it's starting to sink in now. I've been trying to start packing today but it's slow going...getting up off your ass and out the door is so much easier when you're angry, just being hurt is never enough. Just being hurt does not push all thoughts of hope out of your head. With each piece I put in a suitcase or box or bag I find I'm moving slower and slower...giving him plenty of time to come home and tell me he's made a terrible mistake, that he'll do whatever it takes not to loose me. Silly, and slightly pathetic. You know what else would be easier if, since he's the one that doesn't want to be in this relationship, he was the one to leave. Isn't there some rule book that lays out the etiquette of breaking up...there should be, goddammit! Okay, actually I don't want to get stuck with the rent here, that's why I'm the one going, now I remember. You know I've heard that old "why would you want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you?" adage and I've always believed it but this is harder than it sounds. I don't dislike him, am still attracted to him, he still feels like home, like family to me, that's what makes it so difficult. I worry for him, but that is all I can do, he was never my responsibility, he's not my child, I don't have to take care of him, he's a grown man and he'll be fine without me, and I will be fine without him. The pain is only for now, it will pass and life will continue in a way it wouldn't have done before this. But right now, today, it feels like more than I can bear.

A blurb about a break up

Aerial view of my new, expanded front garden.

(It'll fill in!)

My wonderful, resurrected, backyard herb garden

So my relationship has finally seen it's end. After six years together my partner and I have decided to call it quits. I can't say I'm happy or sad, I'm just numb, I don't feel anything except a nagging disappointment at loosing the beautiful garden I just created in the front yard. That must be saying something....sorry to never see the garden, not the boy. After all that has happened in the last sixteen months, I guess this was inevitable, the next logical step. I am so very scared of what will come; the adjustment period, if you will. I will have to apply for Welfare in order to afford a place to live since I am not yet working. How embarrassing. Well, I guess the challenge will be not to become complacent, to take this kick in the teeth and use it as a kick in the ass to get up and get on with my life. A clean slate is how I should approach this, a chance to live as I want and do whatever I like. Though I fear I will become the little old lady living alone in some tiny apartment...except I'm allergic to cats.... I won't even have the cats to keep me company! Great!

What to do, what to do?

I'm very nervous the last few days, and I'm not sure why. I feel like something is going to happen, something bad, or maybe I'm just becoming acutely aware that nothing is going to happen, that each day is just like the last. My days seem to pass me by without my noticing. Wasted time, time not even worth noticing, one useless day after another.

I am at a cross road, a crux, that I don't seem able to navigate. I'm stuck in a rut, as they say. What to do, what to do? So many choices and yet each one has limitations imposed on them by my fragile, high maintenance body. Skills, passions, dreams all seem stilted by my inability to travel, bend over without wincing, or carry anything heavier than a tea cup. Some old passions are resurfacing, and it's wonderful, but bitter sweet.

What am I good at......? I am good at listening, people open up to me, seem to feel comfortable with me without even getting to know me better, people tell me their stories. I am good at serving people, I actually like to make others happy, ease their burdens, fulfill their needs. I am humble but also have a solid sense of who I am and what I'm worth. I am patient, can wait for ever, put up with others moods and fancies and eventually break through to a state of accord. A natural born peace-keeper. I have a good eye for colour, style, quality, harmony and symmetry. I am somewhat literate myself, but have an ear for the language of others and know how to communicate what they want and take pleasure in being able to help them achieve it. I have good, maybe even excellent manners, (by today's standards) and enjoy the rigours of etiquette and "lady-like" behaviour. Sooo....what do these skills prepare me for? Well, in another age, and another economic bracket, maybe I could host a Salon, be a lady's maid, a companion, a courtesan? (Of course that would require another body and face too, but hey, this is all hypothetical!)

What to do, what to do? "Get off your ass" seems to be the refrain I keep hearing from those around me. "You're so smart, so talented, why don't you do something?" They never have concrete suggestions, just gentle reminders, nudges in no direction. No direction, that sums it up perfectly.


J.

The List

I haven't written anything in quite a while. To be honest this blog intimidates me. I am one of those people who, if they can't do something perfectly, prefer not to attempt it all. I do not write because I am afraid that I will only write garbage. Useless mumblings of a loser of average intelligence with nothing important to say. This is my fear, my insecurity that prevents me not only from writing but from pursuing life and all the challenges it presents. I know that I am doomed to fail. I realize that I do not know myself very well. My interests and opinions are flighty and shallow and my path is anything but clear. There are some interests that have lasted through many years and that I still feel strongly and passionately about but they get lost in a scramble of frivolous research and flights of fancy. I see my lifelong interests as devoid of any merit or simply beyond my abilities. I have been trying, of late, to recognize those things that matter to me.

For my own benefit, a reminder, a list of those interests that have stood the test of time.:

Human rights: I have been a member of, and avid letter writer for, Amnesty International for more than a decade but in the last year I seem to have lost my outrage, my passion and my hope. I have an innate respect for "different" peoples, religions and customs, patience for differing world views and a willingness to defend the ideals of freedom, responsibility and equality. This is not a passing, or "fair weather" trait but one that I strive to live by every moment of every day.

Tea: Yep, I am a tea whore. I couldn't even tell you how many boxes of tea I own at this moment. More than twenty, that's for sure. And tea cups, and saucers, and sugar bowls and creamers. I love the art and ritual of tea, not in the Japanese sense, but the British High Tea. Little sandwiches and pastries and fine hand painted china, raised pinkies and impeccable etiquette.. Aah, that is lovely. I could ramble on about tea and tea services but Ill leave that for another day.

Beauty: As cliche as it sounds I am a person who thrives on, who is inspired by beautiful things. Trees, a squirrel running along a fence (watch one sometime!), a peony in bloom, a spider web in the sunlight, the running waters of a river teeming with growth and life. Nature in all her glory, even those things in nature not celebrated in prose and poetry have there own distinct beauty that when looked at with new eyes, or ears, or nose can be wondrous. Compost heaps magically changing from waste to nutrient dense soil from which new life will spring. Worms aerating the soil, even the dung that feeds other life. Of course, give me a beautiful home, lovely clothes, perfume in a simple and well designed bottle, lipstick in an ornate and shiny tube, all of these are necessary to life. What is the point if your surroundings, everything you see, smell and touch do not bring pleasure. Pleasure is what separates us from the animals (though I'm sure that many animals enjoy their particular pleasures!). Form and function are the ideal. What is that saying "Do not keep anything in your home that you do not find either useful or beautiful" (or something like that) but...yeah. Of course my problem is that I find myself feeling guilty for desiring pleasure and beautiful things. They are not true necessities for life. Are they not frivolous? Are they not elitist? I don't know, I'm confused. I feel as if I am in the closet about this, feeling self conscious about wanting nice things. Maybe while drinking I lived so long wrapped up in my self, unaware of the outside world that now I don't know how to change, how to embrace being a person who wants to wear cute shoes, maybe a skirt, lipstick and a little expensive perfume too.

Well, enough rambling for tonight. To be continued....