Smirking like a schoolgirl.

Last night an attractive young man asked me out for coffee. Of course I was forced to decline, since"appropriateness" is my new law. Which sucks, in a way, because he really is quite attractive, I've thought of him, you know, that way...and I've been awful lonely lately, you know, that way...but I am not that girl anymore. I am not the girl who uses people to ease her own loneliness and self pity. Now I would be lying to say that this has been some magical transformation, that overnight all lusts and desires have left me, because they're still in there, but some days they are rowdier than others. But I am working on controlling them. A deep breathe, a quick prayer, or just walking away when the urge to misbehave arises.

Now last night is the first time in a long, long, time that anyone has noticed me or wanted to spend time with me, and I gotta say that's good for a girl's self esteem! I nicely replied that I couldn't go, that it was nothing personal but merely policy and then I fought back a schoolgirl grin that was threatening to erupt all over my face. Shortly after I said good bye and started to walk home alone finally allowing the smirk and the accompanying giggle to come out. And did it ever! As if I was back in middle school, I raced to my best friend (and neighbour's) door dying to share my story, "Somebody asked me out!" was all I could say through my grin. I was almost bouncing I was so elated. They say that when a person stops using drugs and alcohol they revert back to the emotional age at which they started using. Yep, sounds about right. Here am I acting like a fourteen year old who gets to be lab partners with the cutest boy in school! It's sort of cool, now that I consider it. When I was fourteen I was so numb and jaded that I didn't experienced these feelings, it's almost as if the gods have giving me a chance to re-live what I missed. It's kinda fun actually. Unlike when I was a teenager, now I have the words to describe these feelings and the privacy to deal with them on my own, wink, wink, nudge, nudge.

Being single ain't as bad I always thought it would be. I don't need to rush into a relationship for fear of being alone. I have a lovely little apartment, a beautiful cat to keep me company, great friends, good family, and an active and ever-evolving fantasy life to take the edge off. What more could a modern girl need?

Well, maybe a good, long, hard kiss..... but I can be patient.

J.