Right Speech II

"Love and tolerance of others is our code" is a favourite quote of mine. It's from the book Alcoholic Anonymous, aka "The Big Book" by Bill W, but I feel that it's a message that anyone can learn from and strive for. So often our words, especially our humour, can be hurtful without our being aware that harm has been done. Tonight I am struggling with some "righteous anger" over remarks made, in a large group, that hurt a friend of mine. What the comment was really doesn't matter, what matters is what I do with the reaction they have brought out in me. Now, I could get angry, fight back, use my well honed sarcasm and down right bitchiness but as much as I would feel good in the moment, afterward I know that I would regret it. I would feel that I had stooped to their level and possible embarrassed my friend further in the process. I would then have to deal with my own guilt and that is not something I can afford, having a rather deep seated guilt complex already in place!

Love and tolerance of others is a two way street. I cannot sit back and demand that the world is accepting of my faults and mis-steps if I am not willing to return that same courtesy. So how to proceed? I can take the energy that I would have expended getting revenge and use it instead to support my friend. I can take a step back form the situation to evaluate what is at the root of my anger ( Is this something I secretly think too, but don't want to admit? Am I feeling insecure about who I am and how the comment affects my ego?). I can think about why that particular person made that particular statement; are they hurting, are they scared, are they trying to impress the rest of the group? When I take a second to consider the possible motives and feelings of the person making the hurtful joke, my anger looses some of it's edge. Perhaps they are scared, hurt, having a bad day, or feeling " on the spot".

Of course, considering these things doesn't mean that I support them, or excuse them, it simply puts me in a better frame of mind to deal with the situation. Gives me a chance to discern the best way to proceed. Perhaps I should say something right then, perhaps a private word later, maybe lead by example and avoid making potentially offense jokes myself (something I tend to do on occasion), or simply turn my attention and love toward my injured friend. My "bouncer ego" as I like to call it, wants to attack, wants to protect the injured and the underdog, but in reality I am not always, if fact rarely, responsible for doing that. If I spend my time and energy constantly protecting those I think are vulnerable, am I not, in a covert way, disrespecting them too. Do I not run the risk of incurring their resentment, or contributing to their vulnerability by not allowing them to stand up for themselves? Ahhh, the never ending ifs, ands or buts!!

I'm not sure where I'm going with this tonight, and so I'll end here. Love and tolerance is an ideal that I am trying to live up to, luckily I will allow myself to strive toward progress and not demand perfection.


J.

Hamilton Writer's fun and games!

Words chosen randomly: Dive, springtime face, comfortable, and "look what I can do!"

Result:

"Look what I can do!" the chick at the end of the bar slurred excitedly, popping a cherry stem into her mouth. I settled further into my comfortable booth at the back of the dive. My favourite spot for watching the drunks at play. "It's better than television", I tell people. The girl's face twists and contorts unnoticed by her boyfriend whose eyes are glued to the game on the big screen TV. The springtime sun blares into the dim and smoky room as the heavy door swings open and a man with the face of a boxer who's taken too many hits swaggers in. His nose at an awkward angle and his left eye drooping beneath a heavy lid, his ill-fitting suit looks like it came out of a dumpster but he holds his head high like a man who doesn't realize he's fallen on hard times.


J.

Talkin' with Christians

The Vietnamese monk Thich Nhat Hahn is an energetic supporter of inter-faith dialogue and has written articles and books about what Christians and Buddhists can learn from each other, it is because of his openness to the sharing of ideas that I have just returned from a discussion group arranged by a local Anglican church. If you had told me a year ago that I would be sitting in a coffee house with a Professor of Evangelism and a Priest, chatting and eating brownies, well, forget about it! But the truth is I actually had a wonderful time, even through my extreme case of jitters. The topic of discussion, culled from questions the church received from the public at large, was meant to be "Why is God such a jerk?". But since there were only four of us (myself, the Professor, the Priest and an extremely well-travelled gentleman of Muslim heritage thinking of converting) talk ranged from the firm belief in Jesus as a saviour of mankind, Judgement Day, parables about belief in the unseen, St Francis of Assisi and just why is that repulsive image of Jesus all bloody and broken representative of faith. Needless to say that last one was mine. While, as is typical of spiritual discussion, there were no firm answers to be had but just having the chance to ask the questions and listen to others share there experience was more than enough. I walked home with a new respect for the followers of Christ.

Having only seen (or only allowed myself to see) the fanaticism of Christianity and having painted all Christians with the same colour of "close minded, prejudice, busy-body, Christ on a Cross red", my ideas seemed firmly set. I didn't like them and couldn't comprehend what the attraction was, other than a sense of superiority and the right to tell others what to do and how to live. Not qualities that I have ever, or will ever find appealing. But these gentlemen had some qualities that I could admire: intelligence, patience, open-mindedness and faith in something bigger than themselves. Granted we didn't talk about gays or abortion, so I won't put my rose coloured glasses on too soon, but they definitely broke the stereotype I had of what it means to be a Christian. And when the professor mentioned how un-religious Jesus was, that he spoke against the organized religions and churches, well that was enough to open my mind to a glimmer of respect and interest in the big JC. I have no problem thinking of Jesus as a spiritual teacher, an example of goodness, enlightenment, service and humility just as the Buddha was, but the idea of him being the only son of God...that's where it all falls apart for me. Approaching him as a Buddha makes it easier for me to take a closer look at the life and teachings of Jesus, though I will always prefer the "Buddy Christ" to the Crucifix.


J.

Right Speech.

I heard someone gossiping this evening and it hurt, deeply. It wasn't about me, or anyone I know, but the anger and judgment that was being expressed hit me like a punch to the gut. In Buddhism there are five precept, like the Christian ten commandments, rules to live by in order to lead an ethical and peaceful life. Refrain from killing, refrain from stealing, refrain from sexual misconduct, refrain from false, harsh and idle speech and refrain from intoxicants that cloud the mind. Seems pretty basic but I learned a valuable lesson this evening on the effect words can have on those who hear them.

I am guilty of having a very foul mouth, swearing just comes naturally, and I've always felt that I had every right to swear if I wanted to. If you don't like it, don't talk to me. Many times I've made my family cringe with the expressions I use for pain, frustration, and even excitement. " Fuck" is my favourite word and I use it liberally and often as well as a few other choice nouns that I won't elaborate on here. I have never placed myself in the listener shoes, never considered that my language could be alienating or just down right offensive to anyone within earshot. Tonight I finally heard with "new ears" that words have power. Something I already knew in theory, and of course people's words have hurt me before, but perhaps because it is easier to care about someone else than for myself, tonight I really felt and reacted to what I was hearing.

Over the last ten months I have gone through some amazing and sometimes scary changes. Leaving behind my old ideas and gaining new ones, learning to think outside of my own little life and to place my faith in something bigger than myself. Perhaps the next item on my personal housecleaning should be to watch what I say. To say what I mean, mean what I say and speak in a voice that carries a message of honesty, inclusion and kindness instead of anger and exclusion. That is the reason we swear, exaggerate, and gossip, isn't it? To make ourselves feel superior, to shock, to rebel against social norms and values, to let others know that we are so cool that we don't give a damn what you think. Fine for a teenager, but at my age, a little sad. If I am put on this Earth to be of service, to be compassionate and loving to all sentient beings, and to live mindfully, than on a most basic level it stands to reason that my speech, the tool I have been given in which to relate to the world around me, needs to be in line with those aims.

Of course I'm going to need a thesaurus, because I just don't know another word that can mean so many things and be used in so many ways.

Ah fudge!
J.

To Marylin

I have a wonderful friend, a poet and an artist, who checks this blog to see if I've come up with anything new. Well, my friend, I'm working on it! And I promise to deliver something, anything, sometime soon. As you know the ideas are forming but like some many aspiring writers I've met, the trick is to stop the wheels spinning and get it down in black and white, damn it! Even these few sentences feel pretty darn good.

Thanks for the push
J.

First things first

Well, I finally made it into that room tonight. I went out for a walk, half intending to stop in at the bar (I left my glasses there on Tuesday night, so I had an excuse!) and instead ended up walking past a AA meeting just about to start! The Gods work in mysterious ways.

Tuesday night was a new all time low in my drinking career. I won't get into details here, but lets just say that it has taken me three days to get over it, well get past it, I'm not "over it". It's haunting me, how low a person can sink in the span of eight hours. So to be in that meeting today, meant something to me. I connected to it on a different level than I ever have before. The people were great, and welcoming, and honest and I appreciated their stories, and their willingness to listen to me. Just listen, not judge, not try to fix, not give advice, just listen and nod in a way that says "I know exactly what you mean...".

There were a few phrases that stuck out for me today: "First things first", "bring the body and eventually the mind will follow", and the most simple, and yet the hardest to achieve "Take it easy." This is how I need to navigate my life, my priority needs to be me, my health and sanity. I cannot try to fit into others ideas of who I should be and how I should behave. Not my partner's, not my parents. My priority MUST be my sobriety, above all else. To hell with anyone who thinks that selfish, they obviously don't understand, and I cannot help that, it's not my responsibility, to make everyone else happy and at ease. My responsibility is to myself, to live my life honestly and safely. Nothing can stand in the way of that. It's so hard to think such things, having been raised to please others and submit to "keeping peace in the family". Never talk back, do as you're told and never, never offend anyone. Well, that hasn't really gotten me anywhere, has it?? So, hopefully this time I can make it stick, I can find my own way, and find a group of "family" that accept me for who I am, faults and weaknesses and all. There are friendships that are blooming in my life that I have never experienced before. Safe and caring. As someone who always moved through life alone, it feels like I true blessing to have someone there for me, now, when I need it the most. The Gods do work in wonderful ways, if you just let them.

Buddha, grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The Courage to change the things I can
and the Wisdom to know the difference.

One Day at a Time

Last night I made a bad decision. I was left here, alone, at my parents house, sitting and thinking and worrying and feeling hurt and pathetic. And in an effort to ease the pain I turned to my old habits and walked down the street to my old hangout where I promptly finished three beers and six gin and tonics. It felt so good to be back there, talking to strangers, feeling less alone, like I fit in somewhere, like there were people who liked me. I was even propositioned by a lovely English guy who wanted me to come with him and a friend to another bar that just so happened to be conveniently located across the road from his hotel room. There is something about a reasonably attractive stranger whispering in your ear how much he would like to please you that can make a girl feel pretty damn good in a twisted kind of way. Now years ago I would have been sneaking out of that hotel room at four in the morning, trying not to wake the mistake who lay sleeping. I would have walked home on a high that combined a sickening sense of guilt and euphoria at the conquest and boost to my ego that comes with the one night stand. But, tempting as it may have seemed, I thanked him sincerely and headed home by myself. I don't want anyone touching me, except my partner. I cannot substitute anyone for him.

Anyway, the damage was done. I was officially drunk and sick from the booze. I spent the night trying to sleep but inside I was disgusted with myself for being weak, for not having really learned anything from my time away from the bottle. But really, if you don't do the work, relapse is always going to be waiting right around the corner, waiting for the slightest justification or excuse to pick up that first drink. But today is a new day, and a new chance not to drink. I know what I have to do, put my own sobriety above everything else. Sobriety must be my number one priority if I am ever to live a sane and healthy life. I realize that I have been stuck in a three year rut, hiding away from myself and the world in order to avoid temptation. No one can live honestly like that. It is a half life, a life lived in fear. I must be brave, face my demons and my truths. Only then will I see the world as it really is and not as something to hide from. Any goals I think I have can never be fulfilled like this, to fulfill a goal one needs clear vision and clear thinking, two things I am currently lacking.

I should go to a meeting, I should be honest and admit that I cannot do this alone. Whatever issues I may have with "joining" and "programs" and "God, as we understand him", well they are actually just my addiction's way of controlling the situation, of raising doubts that will keep me from recovery. "Keep coming back!" they say, and once again I must go back. There is no shame in it, eventually it's going to stick.