Right Speech II

"Love and tolerance of others is our code" is a favourite quote of mine. It's from the book Alcoholic Anonymous, aka "The Big Book" by Bill W, but I feel that it's a message that anyone can learn from and strive for. So often our words, especially our humour, can be hurtful without our being aware that harm has been done. Tonight I am struggling with some "righteous anger" over remarks made, in a large group, that hurt a friend of mine. What the comment was really doesn't matter, what matters is what I do with the reaction they have brought out in me. Now, I could get angry, fight back, use my well honed sarcasm and down right bitchiness but as much as I would feel good in the moment, afterward I know that I would regret it. I would feel that I had stooped to their level and possible embarrassed my friend further in the process. I would then have to deal with my own guilt and that is not something I can afford, having a rather deep seated guilt complex already in place!

Love and tolerance of others is a two way street. I cannot sit back and demand that the world is accepting of my faults and mis-steps if I am not willing to return that same courtesy. So how to proceed? I can take the energy that I would have expended getting revenge and use it instead to support my friend. I can take a step back form the situation to evaluate what is at the root of my anger ( Is this something I secretly think too, but don't want to admit? Am I feeling insecure about who I am and how the comment affects my ego?). I can think about why that particular person made that particular statement; are they hurting, are they scared, are they trying to impress the rest of the group? When I take a second to consider the possible motives and feelings of the person making the hurtful joke, my anger looses some of it's edge. Perhaps they are scared, hurt, having a bad day, or feeling " on the spot".

Of course, considering these things doesn't mean that I support them, or excuse them, it simply puts me in a better frame of mind to deal with the situation. Gives me a chance to discern the best way to proceed. Perhaps I should say something right then, perhaps a private word later, maybe lead by example and avoid making potentially offense jokes myself (something I tend to do on occasion), or simply turn my attention and love toward my injured friend. My "bouncer ego" as I like to call it, wants to attack, wants to protect the injured and the underdog, but in reality I am not always, if fact rarely, responsible for doing that. If I spend my time and energy constantly protecting those I think are vulnerable, am I not, in a covert way, disrespecting them too. Do I not run the risk of incurring their resentment, or contributing to their vulnerability by not allowing them to stand up for themselves? Ahhh, the never ending ifs, ands or buts!!

I'm not sure where I'm going with this tonight, and so I'll end here. Love and tolerance is an ideal that I am trying to live up to, luckily I will allow myself to strive toward progress and not demand perfection.


J.