Smirking like a schoolgirl.

Last night an attractive young man asked me out for coffee. Of course I was forced to decline, since"appropriateness" is my new law. Which sucks, in a way, because he really is quite attractive, I've thought of him, you know, that way...and I've been awful lonely lately, you know, that way...but I am not that girl anymore. I am not the girl who uses people to ease her own loneliness and self pity. Now I would be lying to say that this has been some magical transformation, that overnight all lusts and desires have left me, because they're still in there, but some days they are rowdier than others. But I am working on controlling them. A deep breathe, a quick prayer, or just walking away when the urge to misbehave arises.

Now last night is the first time in a long, long, time that anyone has noticed me or wanted to spend time with me, and I gotta say that's good for a girl's self esteem! I nicely replied that I couldn't go, that it was nothing personal but merely policy and then I fought back a schoolgirl grin that was threatening to erupt all over my face. Shortly after I said good bye and started to walk home alone finally allowing the smirk and the accompanying giggle to come out. And did it ever! As if I was back in middle school, I raced to my best friend (and neighbour's) door dying to share my story, "Somebody asked me out!" was all I could say through my grin. I was almost bouncing I was so elated. They say that when a person stops using drugs and alcohol they revert back to the emotional age at which they started using. Yep, sounds about right. Here am I acting like a fourteen year old who gets to be lab partners with the cutest boy in school! It's sort of cool, now that I consider it. When I was fourteen I was so numb and jaded that I didn't experienced these feelings, it's almost as if the gods have giving me a chance to re-live what I missed. It's kinda fun actually. Unlike when I was a teenager, now I have the words to describe these feelings and the privacy to deal with them on my own, wink, wink, nudge, nudge.

Being single ain't as bad I always thought it would be. I don't need to rush into a relationship for fear of being alone. I have a lovely little apartment, a beautiful cat to keep me company, great friends, good family, and an active and ever-evolving fantasy life to take the edge off. What more could a modern girl need?

Well, maybe a good, long, hard kiss..... but I can be patient.

J.

Right Speech II

"Love and tolerance of others is our code" is a favourite quote of mine. It's from the book Alcoholic Anonymous, aka "The Big Book" by Bill W, but I feel that it's a message that anyone can learn from and strive for. So often our words, especially our humour, can be hurtful without our being aware that harm has been done. Tonight I am struggling with some "righteous anger" over remarks made, in a large group, that hurt a friend of mine. What the comment was really doesn't matter, what matters is what I do with the reaction they have brought out in me. Now, I could get angry, fight back, use my well honed sarcasm and down right bitchiness but as much as I would feel good in the moment, afterward I know that I would regret it. I would feel that I had stooped to their level and possible embarrassed my friend further in the process. I would then have to deal with my own guilt and that is not something I can afford, having a rather deep seated guilt complex already in place!

Love and tolerance of others is a two way street. I cannot sit back and demand that the world is accepting of my faults and mis-steps if I am not willing to return that same courtesy. So how to proceed? I can take the energy that I would have expended getting revenge and use it instead to support my friend. I can take a step back form the situation to evaluate what is at the root of my anger ( Is this something I secretly think too, but don't want to admit? Am I feeling insecure about who I am and how the comment affects my ego?). I can think about why that particular person made that particular statement; are they hurting, are they scared, are they trying to impress the rest of the group? When I take a second to consider the possible motives and feelings of the person making the hurtful joke, my anger looses some of it's edge. Perhaps they are scared, hurt, having a bad day, or feeling " on the spot".

Of course, considering these things doesn't mean that I support them, or excuse them, it simply puts me in a better frame of mind to deal with the situation. Gives me a chance to discern the best way to proceed. Perhaps I should say something right then, perhaps a private word later, maybe lead by example and avoid making potentially offense jokes myself (something I tend to do on occasion), or simply turn my attention and love toward my injured friend. My "bouncer ego" as I like to call it, wants to attack, wants to protect the injured and the underdog, but in reality I am not always, if fact rarely, responsible for doing that. If I spend my time and energy constantly protecting those I think are vulnerable, am I not, in a covert way, disrespecting them too. Do I not run the risk of incurring their resentment, or contributing to their vulnerability by not allowing them to stand up for themselves? Ahhh, the never ending ifs, ands or buts!!

I'm not sure where I'm going with this tonight, and so I'll end here. Love and tolerance is an ideal that I am trying to live up to, luckily I will allow myself to strive toward progress and not demand perfection.


J.

Another Blurb about a Breakup

Okay, it's starting to sink in now. I've been trying to start packing today but it's slow going...getting up off your ass and out the door is so much easier when you're angry, just being hurt is never enough. Just being hurt does not push all thoughts of hope out of your head. With each piece I put in a suitcase or box or bag I find I'm moving slower and slower...giving him plenty of time to come home and tell me he's made a terrible mistake, that he'll do whatever it takes not to loose me. Silly, and slightly pathetic. You know what else would be easier if, since he's the one that doesn't want to be in this relationship, he was the one to leave. Isn't there some rule book that lays out the etiquette of breaking up...there should be, goddammit! Okay, actually I don't want to get stuck with the rent here, that's why I'm the one going, now I remember. You know I've heard that old "why would you want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you?" adage and I've always believed it but this is harder than it sounds. I don't dislike him, am still attracted to him, he still feels like home, like family to me, that's what makes it so difficult. I worry for him, but that is all I can do, he was never my responsibility, he's not my child, I don't have to take care of him, he's a grown man and he'll be fine without me, and I will be fine without him. The pain is only for now, it will pass and life will continue in a way it wouldn't have done before this. But right now, today, it feels like more than I can bear.

A blurb about a break up

Aerial view of my new, expanded front garden.

(It'll fill in!)

My wonderful, resurrected, backyard herb garden

So my relationship has finally seen it's end. After six years together my partner and I have decided to call it quits. I can't say I'm happy or sad, I'm just numb, I don't feel anything except a nagging disappointment at loosing the beautiful garden I just created in the front yard. That must be saying something....sorry to never see the garden, not the boy. After all that has happened in the last sixteen months, I guess this was inevitable, the next logical step. I am so very scared of what will come; the adjustment period, if you will. I will have to apply for Welfare in order to afford a place to live since I am not yet working. How embarrassing. Well, I guess the challenge will be not to become complacent, to take this kick in the teeth and use it as a kick in the ass to get up and get on with my life. A clean slate is how I should approach this, a chance to live as I want and do whatever I like. Though I fear I will become the little old lady living alone in some tiny apartment...except I'm allergic to cats.... I won't even have the cats to keep me company! Great!

What to do, what to do?

I'm very nervous the last few days, and I'm not sure why. I feel like something is going to happen, something bad, or maybe I'm just becoming acutely aware that nothing is going to happen, that each day is just like the last. My days seem to pass me by without my noticing. Wasted time, time not even worth noticing, one useless day after another.

I am at a cross road, a crux, that I don't seem able to navigate. I'm stuck in a rut, as they say. What to do, what to do? So many choices and yet each one has limitations imposed on them by my fragile, high maintenance body. Skills, passions, dreams all seem stilted by my inability to travel, bend over without wincing, or carry anything heavier than a tea cup. Some old passions are resurfacing, and it's wonderful, but bitter sweet.

What am I good at......? I am good at listening, people open up to me, seem to feel comfortable with me without even getting to know me better, people tell me their stories. I am good at serving people, I actually like to make others happy, ease their burdens, fulfill their needs. I am humble but also have a solid sense of who I am and what I'm worth. I am patient, can wait for ever, put up with others moods and fancies and eventually break through to a state of accord. A natural born peace-keeper. I have a good eye for colour, style, quality, harmony and symmetry. I am somewhat literate myself, but have an ear for the language of others and know how to communicate what they want and take pleasure in being able to help them achieve it. I have good, maybe even excellent manners, (by today's standards) and enjoy the rigours of etiquette and "lady-like" behaviour. Sooo....what do these skills prepare me for? Well, in another age, and another economic bracket, maybe I could host a Salon, be a lady's maid, a companion, a courtesan? (Of course that would require another body and face too, but hey, this is all hypothetical!)

What to do, what to do? "Get off your ass" seems to be the refrain I keep hearing from those around me. "You're so smart, so talented, why don't you do something?" They never have concrete suggestions, just gentle reminders, nudges in no direction. No direction, that sums it up perfectly.


J.