First things first

Well, I finally made it into that room tonight. I went out for a walk, half intending to stop in at the bar (I left my glasses there on Tuesday night, so I had an excuse!) and instead ended up walking past a AA meeting just about to start! The Gods work in mysterious ways.

Tuesday night was a new all time low in my drinking career. I won't get into details here, but lets just say that it has taken me three days to get over it, well get past it, I'm not "over it". It's haunting me, how low a person can sink in the span of eight hours. So to be in that meeting today, meant something to me. I connected to it on a different level than I ever have before. The people were great, and welcoming, and honest and I appreciated their stories, and their willingness to listen to me. Just listen, not judge, not try to fix, not give advice, just listen and nod in a way that says "I know exactly what you mean...".

There were a few phrases that stuck out for me today: "First things first", "bring the body and eventually the mind will follow", and the most simple, and yet the hardest to achieve "Take it easy." This is how I need to navigate my life, my priority needs to be me, my health and sanity. I cannot try to fit into others ideas of who I should be and how I should behave. Not my partner's, not my parents. My priority MUST be my sobriety, above all else. To hell with anyone who thinks that selfish, they obviously don't understand, and I cannot help that, it's not my responsibility, to make everyone else happy and at ease. My responsibility is to myself, to live my life honestly and safely. Nothing can stand in the way of that. It's so hard to think such things, having been raised to please others and submit to "keeping peace in the family". Never talk back, do as you're told and never, never offend anyone. Well, that hasn't really gotten me anywhere, has it?? So, hopefully this time I can make it stick, I can find my own way, and find a group of "family" that accept me for who I am, faults and weaknesses and all. There are friendships that are blooming in my life that I have never experienced before. Safe and caring. As someone who always moved through life alone, it feels like I true blessing to have someone there for me, now, when I need it the most. The Gods do work in wonderful ways, if you just let them.

Buddha, grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The Courage to change the things I can
and the Wisdom to know the difference.