My body always knows when things aren't right. It knows long before my brain even suspects. When I sleep too much, when I'm in pain, have a headache or feel like my stomach is in knots chances are it's not the flu but the onset of a bout of depression or just my body telling me that I'm not right with myself or my Higher Power. I've allowed something to get in between me and the Gods and my gut is trying to warn me that if I keep doing so, disaster will strike.
Last week I came closer to drinking than I have since getting sober. It's no one's fault but my own. I let my guard down, and wasn't being honest with myself or those around me. Of course I've thought about drinking over the last year, but this was different. I had a plan! I was going to get to that booze when no one was looking and I would have just one! One couldn't hurt anything, right? I would stop at one, I knew how to stop, I'd done it before so this time I would be okay. And NO ONE would ever have to know about it! Lies, lies, lies. I've told myself these things a thousand times before, but they've never come true in the past and they won't come true now.
I scared myself more that night then I think I've been in years. I've felt that fear before, since getting sober, when I have the "drunk dreams". Dreams of drinking that are so vivid and real that I wake up in a panic, full of shame and scared to death that I've fucked everything up. Many drunks have these dreams after getting sober, I think it's our Higher Power making sure that we remember what's at stake. But to scare myself like that while awake is a hundred times worse. The only thing that could trump it would be to actually drink. One sip, that's all it would take, just one sip. It's ridiculous and humiliating and terrifying to think about.
"One drink is too many and a hundred, not enough." "One drink, one drunk." These are slogans that I've never paid much attention to, I was more keen on repeating "First things first" or "Let go and let God" but fourteen months into my sobriety I need to go back to the very beginning, remember the despair, the filth and emptiness that drinking brought me. Now is not the time to rest on my laurels but to redouble my efforts, be honest, work my program harder than ever and hold that connection with my Higher Power above all else on Earth. "You've got to give it away to keep it" the slogan goes, and the Gods know I was getting pretty damn selfish.
J.
Showing posts with label Recovery. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Recovery. Show all posts
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Saturday, June 27, 2009
Don't Take Anything Personally
When conditions are right, things will manifest, when conditions are not right, they won't. This is a beautiful Buddhist idea that I need to remember. I'm the type of person that takes things too personally, be it rejection or praise. My ego is forever trying to twist everything in my life to feed itself.
When something doesn't work out, even if I really don't care about it, my pride and self esteem are bruised, self pity and resentment rear their ugly heads and my mind races with thoughts and feelings that seem beyond my control. Everything should go my way, everyone should like me, everyone should be at my beck and call, work on my time table, and do what I think is best for them, I mean obviously!! But, if I'm honest and if I look at situations with new eyes and see them for what they really are, then all of this ego driven crap is nothing but bullshit conjured up by my mind to make myself feel needed, wanted and valid. And no one can do that for me. For me to feel like a valid human being, all I need is faith in myself and faith in something bigger than little old me, faith that where I am is exactly where I should be. And intellectually I know that's true, but to feel it in my heart and my gut is a little trickier. Practice is needed. And I do practice, everyday, letting go of things that I feel should affect me, letting go of my expectations of others, accepting things as they are at this very moment. Practice and progress not perfection is the order of the day.
As for praise, well...it sometimes feels like poison to me. One nice word or a compliment sets off this opposing mindset in which I am the best and brightest thing under the stars. Which, as we all know, is simply not true, in fact so very far from the truth that...well I can't even think of how to describe how off the mark that is. Classic alcoholic thinking! When I was using I thrived off compliments, having no self esteem or respect I needed anything to make me feel better about myself. And of course in the circles I ran in, compliments came in the form of propositions, of which I greedily accepted. My self worth was based in some one's desire to fuck me. Fuck me, not love me, not respect me, not even like me, but just to use me as I used them. Mutual ego stroking with nothing to show for it but morning after shame and fear. But I'm not using anymore and now begins the difficult task of learning how to take praise for what it is. One persons observation at any given moment, or one persons search for reciprocal ego boosting. Compliments say more about the other person than they do about me. It is a glimpse of what the giver thinks is important (looks, clothes, brains, humour) and their personal likes and dislikes. Really I don't factor into it much at all! I am just me, as the Gods made me and allow me to be, nothing more, nothing less. If someone likes it, or dislikes it, that's up to them.
Other people will reflect their aesthetics, their bitterness, their fears onto me and I must recognize them for what they are. Be it a compliment or a rejection or an angry word, I cannot take it personally. Rejection is just the Gods telling me that something is not right for me at this time, genuine praise is the Gods telling me that they are.
J.
When something doesn't work out, even if I really don't care about it, my pride and self esteem are bruised, self pity and resentment rear their ugly heads and my mind races with thoughts and feelings that seem beyond my control. Everything should go my way, everyone should like me, everyone should be at my beck and call, work on my time table, and do what I think is best for them, I mean obviously!! But, if I'm honest and if I look at situations with new eyes and see them for what they really are, then all of this ego driven crap is nothing but bullshit conjured up by my mind to make myself feel needed, wanted and valid. And no one can do that for me. For me to feel like a valid human being, all I need is faith in myself and faith in something bigger than little old me, faith that where I am is exactly where I should be. And intellectually I know that's true, but to feel it in my heart and my gut is a little trickier. Practice is needed. And I do practice, everyday, letting go of things that I feel should affect me, letting go of my expectations of others, accepting things as they are at this very moment. Practice and progress not perfection is the order of the day.
As for praise, well...it sometimes feels like poison to me. One nice word or a compliment sets off this opposing mindset in which I am the best and brightest thing under the stars. Which, as we all know, is simply not true, in fact so very far from the truth that...well I can't even think of how to describe how off the mark that is. Classic alcoholic thinking! When I was using I thrived off compliments, having no self esteem or respect I needed anything to make me feel better about myself. And of course in the circles I ran in, compliments came in the form of propositions, of which I greedily accepted. My self worth was based in some one's desire to fuck me. Fuck me, not love me, not respect me, not even like me, but just to use me as I used them. Mutual ego stroking with nothing to show for it but morning after shame and fear. But I'm not using anymore and now begins the difficult task of learning how to take praise for what it is. One persons observation at any given moment, or one persons search for reciprocal ego boosting. Compliments say more about the other person than they do about me. It is a glimpse of what the giver thinks is important (looks, clothes, brains, humour) and their personal likes and dislikes. Really I don't factor into it much at all! I am just me, as the Gods made me and allow me to be, nothing more, nothing less. If someone likes it, or dislikes it, that's up to them.
Other people will reflect their aesthetics, their bitterness, their fears onto me and I must recognize them for what they are. Be it a compliment or a rejection or an angry word, I cannot take it personally. Rejection is just the Gods telling me that something is not right for me at this time, genuine praise is the Gods telling me that they are.
J.
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