I have nothing, this week. Well. actually, I have too much, this week.
My Sickness Benefits have run out and I have no money, now I must apply for Welfare and Disability. My partner and I must lay our entire lives out on the government table to be examined and judged. My sense of self-worth is through the floor, I'm scared of what will come, of the long hard, bureaucratic struggle I have before me. I don't want to do it, but there is, really, no other way. I am no longer a productive member of society.
The last week I have been getting worse again. I am so confused. It feels as if there is a foggy curtain sitting in front of my mind and if I could only peek over it, I would be okay. I hate this symptom the most. Forgetting simply things, words, spelling, how to hold a fork. My sense of shape and volume and space are off as well, I cannot judge how big a bowl is needed for something I have just cooked. I end up dirtying three bowls before I find the one that will hold everything. The fine motor control in my hands is affected. I cannot hold a pencil, and as for typing this, well, it's taking forever, and thanks the Gods for "spellcheck". I put capitals where they don't belong, hit four keys at a time, suddenly erase all that I have done by hitting the wrong key. That really sucks. I was typing something the other day and erased it twice (using the mouse!) before I finally got it! The stupidity is embarrassing. I hate being around anyone when I'm like this, I try to seclude myself, close the door, stay inside, hide from those people who look at me with pity, or judgment. I don't need it, really! I've taken up smoking again, late at night when my mind is numb and the tension is squatting inside me, causing every muscle to tighten and quake and want to kick out. I know it's bad for me, but I like it, it feels really good, and few things do.
Anyway, I'm not really creating a masterpiece here, am I? I apologize for my rambling, but it's all I have right now. My mind, the one that can write, and paint, and cook and carry an intelligent conversation is currently on hiatus. My hands have tagged along for the ride. I am hoping that they will see fit to return again soon. I miss them terribly when they go.
A.
